Let’s Get Real About Bedsharing, Mama

Hey, Mama. Let’s talk about something a lot of us do but don’t always feel like we can talk about: bedsharing. You know what I mean—when the crib just isn’t cutting it, and suddenly, your baby is snuggled up right next to you in bed. Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone!

According to sleep experts like Professor James McKenna and Professor Helen Ball, 60-75% of breastfeeding moms end up bedsharing, even if they didn’t plan to. And guess what? That’s totally normal. Actually, it’s how humans have been parenting for, well…forever. Around the world, moms have always slept close to their babies because that’s what babies are wired for.

So why are so many moms here in North America made to feel guilty about it? Let’s change that. As a pediatric nurse I feel this is a long overdue hot topic. It’s time to normalize it, talk about how to do it safely, when it may not be safe and ditch the shame that makes this topic feel so off-limits.

Why Do Moms Bedshare?

Let’s be real: your baby’s favorite place in the world is you. They’ve spent months inside your belly, hearing your heartbeat and feeling your warmth. That doesn’t just go away after birth. Babies are biologically programmed to seek your closeness—it’s how they feel safe.

But modern parenting comes with all these messages telling you that your baby should sleep alone, in a crib, and through the night. For many moms, that just doesn’t feel doable—or natural. And honestly? That’s okay.

Picture this: It’s the middle of the night, you’re beyond exhausted, and your baby wakes up for the umpteenth time. You try the crib, the rocking chair, the pacifier…nothing’s working. So you pull them into bed, and suddenly, you’re both calm and asleep. Sound familiar? That’s your baby’s biology kicking in. The problem here is that when its not prepared for it can be done unsafely.

Here’s where things get tricky. A lot of advice you hear about bedsharing says it’s “dangerous,” full stop. But the truth is, it’s not the act of bedsharing that’s risky—it’s how it’s done.

Let’s look at the numbers. In Japan, where bedsharing is super common, their rates of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) are some of the lowest in the world—less than half of what they are in the U.S. Why? Because they approach sleep holistically. High rates of breastfeeding, low smoking rates, and intentional safe sleep setups all play a role.

So instead of scaring moms out of bedsharing, let’s talk about how to make it safe. That way, if (or let’s be real, when) you end up doing it, you’re prepared.

How to Make Bedsharing Safe

Exhaustion doesn’t care about your plans, Mama. Even if you swore you’d stick to the crib, there might come a night when your baby just won’t settle anywhere but next to you. That’s why having a safe setup is so important.

Here are the basics:

1. Keep the bed simple: Use a firm, flat mattress, ideally on the floor. No pillows, thick blankets, or duvets near your baby.

2. Position matters: Baby should sleep next to you, not between two adults. Sleep in the “C” position—on your side, with your knees bent and an arm over baby to keep them close and protected.

3. Dress light: Baby should be lightly dressed (remember, your body heat warms them too!).

4. No smoking, drinking, or drugs: This includes prescription meds that make you drowsy.

5. Breastfeeding is key: Exclusively breastfed babies tend to stay close to mom’s chest, which is the safest position for bedsharing.

When Bedsharing Might Not Be Safe

Okay, let’s talk about a few situations where bedsharing isn’t recommended:

• If you or your partner smokes, even outside the house.

• If anyone in bed has been drinking or taking drugs (yes, this includes weed).

• If your baby was born premature or has specific medical conditions.

• If your mattress is soft, saggy, or too small (a queen-size or bigger is best).

Also, keep pets and older siblings out of bed with your baby. It’s just not worth the risk.

Why Normalizing Bedsharing Matters

Here’s the big takeaway, Mama: bedsharing is normal. It’s natural. And if it’s done safely, it can be a beautiful way to meet your baby’s needs while actually getting some sleep yourself.

Most moms will end up bedsharing at some point, whether they planned to or not. By talking about it openly, we can help moms feel prepared instead of scared. Because the truth is, shaming parents for bedsharing doesn’t stop it from happening—it just makes it less safe.

So let’s rewrite the narrative. If bedsharing works for your family, embrace it. Plan for it. Make it safe. And most importantly, know that you’re doing what moms around the world have been doing for generations—giving your baby the love, comfort, and connection they need.

You’ve got this, Mama. 💛