The Truth About Sleep Training
When it comes to sleep training, a common suggestion is that a baby who isn’t "trained" cannot or does not want to sleep. Let’s clear the air: sleep is a biological function. It’s not something that can be taught, just like eating or using the bathroom. Falling asleep isn’t within our conscious control — not for babies, not for adults. In fact, the harder we try to force sleep, the more elusive it becomes. This foundational understanding shifts the narrative entirely.
The Science of Sleep
Babies don’t need training to sleep; their bodies know when it’s time to rest. Two primary biological systems regulate sleep: the sleep-wake homeostat and the circadian clock. These systems operate independently of external schedules, rocking marathons, or leaving babies to cry. Sleep-inducing hormones build up pressure throughout the day, culminating in the longest sleep stretch during the first part of the night. Lightness and darkness further guide these rhythms, helping to set our internal clock.
For young babies, this is why I often recommend avoiding napping in dark rooms during the day. Exposure to light helps establish their circadian rhythm. Motion naps, for example, are a fantastic way to encourage daytime sleep while reinforcing the distinction between day and night. Remember, babies were sleeping just fine in utero without any lessons or training. If they’re in close contact with a caregiver after birth and without underlying challenges like health or feeding issues, most babies will nap just enough to ease their sleep pressure and prepare for longer nighttime rest. For some, a 20-minute nap suffices; others might need two hours. Every baby is unique.
Supporting Sleep Without Stress
Since we can’t teach babies to sleep, what can we do to support them? The key lies in fostering a calm, stress-free environment. Babies cannot fall asleep or stay asleep when in a heightened state of stress or fight-or-flight mode. Ensuring they’re calm, relaxed, and supported creates the ideal conditions for sleep. This approach involves looking at the entire day to see if the environment is conducive to sleep.
Here are a few questions to consider if your baby is struggling:
Have they had enough sensory stimulation? Babies need a variety of sensations to tire them out sufficiently. Sitting in a dark room and rocking for hours likely isn’t providing enough stimulation. Fresh air and outings often help babies relax and nap more easily.
Are their nutritional needs met? Strict feeding schedules can lead to stress, making sleep battles more likely. Feeding on demand supports their natural rhythms and reduces stress for everyone.
Has sleep become a battle? Forcing sleep when a baby isn’t ready creates negative associations. Instead, focus on making sleep times pleasurable and low-stress. This approach dials down the nervous system, promoting better sleep outcomes long-term.
The Myth of Self-Soothing
This is probably a hot topic but the idea of self-soothing is one of the most misunderstood concepts in baby sleep. The term was coined in the 1970s by Dr. Thomas Anders to describe a baby not signaling for help, not to suggest it’s a teachable skill. Babies have six arousal states, from calm and alert to hyper-aroused and flooded. When a baby reaches a hyper-aroused state, they rely on caregivers to help them down-regulate. Leaving a baby to “self-soothe” often results in exhaustion rather than relaxation. They aren’t learning to soothe themselves; they’re shutting down as a survival mechanism.
Why Separation Feels Threatening
Separation is one of the most alarming experiences for babies. Attachment equals survival. When we leave a baby to cry, they feel abandoned. Even if they stop crying, their cortisol levels remain elevated, signaling ongoing stress. Research debunks the myth that silence equals calm. Babies need responsive caregiving to feel secure, especially at night.
Independence Comes Through Dependence
Contrary to popular belief, fostering independence doesn’t mean pushing babies to sleep alone prematurely. Secure attachment—built through consistent, sensitive responses—is the foundation for healthy independence. Attachment happens in stages, and each stage builds on the last. By meeting a baby’s attachment needs now, we’re paving the way for confident independence in the future. “A child who can deeply depend is a child who grows to be independent,” Dr. Deborah MacNamara.
Does Sleep Training Work?
Sleep training methods like cry-it-out can appear to work temporarily, but it’s crucial to understand why. When a baby stops signaling, it’s not because they’ve learned to self-regulate. It’s because they’ve shut down as a survival response. Studies show mixed results, with some babies reducing night wakings while others see no change. Moreover, sleep training often needs to be repeated during regressions, teething, or illnesses, as it addresses behavior rather than the root causes of sleep challenges.
Instead of focusing on training, let’s focus on treating our babies with the same empathy and care we’d want for ourselves. By creating positive sleep associations and respecting their biological rhythms, we can help our little ones thrive both day and night.
